The biggest screw up is the title. For one, there are no titans in the film (in Greek myth, titans were the ancestors of the Gods) and secondly, the clash is really between Gods and men. I am sure the nitwits who proclaimed this title neither saw this film nor the earlier version, the title givers of which were also nitwits.
The movie on the whole, at a little less than couple of hours, is a decent flick, to be enjoyed with a bucket-full of caramel popcorn. The screenplay is rather hectic, as it falcons from Earth to Heaven to palaces to deserts to caves to Underworld and back on Earth, all in the matter of less than 10 days. Get the plot …
Ok, heres the précis.
A malnutritioned fisherman fishes out a casket from the sea to find inside a dead woman and an infant, who is immediately named Perseus by a fairy-eyed chick standing on the shore. Perseus grows up in a trice, from wailing infant to 10-year old masoom, to military-cut donning Sam Worthington, fresh from his earlier Avatar. Apna hero helps father fish in the waters off the coast of the city of Argos.
However, hero proves to be a bad fisherman, as on one occasion, his now-old father grinds calcium deprived teeth to pull up … an empty net. At the same time, the duo witness the desecration of the statue of Liberty oops Zeus, by the soldiers of Argus, which ultimately results in their death and sad demise of old fisherman at the hands of Zeus’s bro Hades. With badlay ki aag writ large, Perseus is led before the king & queen of Argus.
Cut to Heaven, where we are shown bearded Zeus in Shahenshah-armour minus the black, and Hades in bedraggled black. After some heavenly mumbo-jumbo, Zeus baritones Hades into teaching them puny humans a lesson in worship.
Cut to palace scene where Argos queen brags about daughter Andromeda being as beautiful as the goddess of beauty herself. Appear Hades all smoky and black (he really loves black!) and he turns queen into an old hag for such blasphemy. He also announces that if Andromeda is not sacrificed in 10 days then he shall release the Kraken (hold on to that name) to destroy Argos. Before leaving he lets Perseus know that he is son of the Shahenshah.
Now to save their already smarting butts, Perseus and dirty dozen soldiers set out to find a way to prevent approaching catastrophe. On the way, Shahenshah ponders fate of his son and tries to help him by gifting a sword of power and a horse with wings, Pegasus. Hero refuses the gifts and continues undeterred on foot (remember the badlay ki aag).
On the way the company fights with Calibos (the deformed but Hades-empowered husband of hero’s mother before she got tricked by Shahenshah) and giant desert scorpions. Calibos escapes after being thakoored one arm and after losing some comrades but eventually defeating the bicchoos, the surviving company is confronted by three even larger bicchoos. But they are saved by the Djinn, a race of tall witch-doctors in robes with faces resembling those of the Mummy, who tame the scorponoks and use them to camel-ride the desert.
And so they ride; our hero, soldiers and Djinn, all on scorpion back to the cave of the three blind witches who have only one eye between them that they frizzbee to and fro to see the world around them. After some chai pani with the hags, the company learn that the only way to combat the God of Black’s threat is to procure Medusa’s head.
For the blissfully ignorant, Medusa is half snake half woman. Instead of tresses, vipers crown her scalp. The Gods have pronounced a curse on her that anyone who gazes at her face be turned into stone. Moreover her adda is in the underworld.
Cut to underworld where our company is ferried across the river of dead by a skeleton and are confronted by the hideous sarp-nari. All except Perseus are stoned to death, pun intended, and finally hero does a side flip Rajnikanth-ishstyle and cuts off Medusa’s head by looking at her reflection on a shiny shield.
As he arrives from underworld with gory viper-head covered in cloth, he finds fairy-eyed chick (who by the way has helped company in many ways throughout the film till now) taken hostage by Mr. Deformity. Calibos kills chick and in turn is suitably rewarded for his efforts with a sword through his tummy by Perseus. Horse on wings arrives and Perseus finally accepting Shahenshah’s gifts decides to jet back to Argus … where time is almost up.
Now the climax.
Hades goes up to big brother and says that time is ripe for halla bol. Shahenshah thunders ‘Release the Kraken’ (now let go of that name).
The Kraken is basically Godzilla’s daddu without a nose, armed with mile-long tentacles, ninja-turtle armour, lots of teeth and heaven shattering roar. Somewhere in the movie, it is mentioned that this creature is so huge and powerful that the Gods themselves fear it … Godzilla is merely a baccha for this guy.
Meanwhile in Argos, princess Andromeda is fettered to be sacrificed and the citywallas around shout in all enthusiasm. This enthu crowd is soon aghast and shocked into disbelief (I positively saw one nerdy fellow defecate) as the Kraken rises from the sea. As daddu goes about turning the city to rubble, we suddenly cut to the sky.
Shahenshah starts feeling weak as the mortals have stopped worshipping him, and Black taunts him saying it was his plan all along to usurp the throne of Heaven. Zeus warns that his son still lives and Hades turns into lots of black harpies and goes after Perseus.
Meanwhile, hero on flying ghoda approaches Argos, combats harpies and narrowly misses being snacked upon by Kraky. Missing one dish, daddu goes for the other, a freely hanging Andromeda. Just as he comes, all wide jawed ready for bhojan … Perseus removes cloth and shows daddu the head of Medusa. The Kraken croaks, turns into a concrete building and then collapses into the sea.
Black confronts hero who instantly does a He-man (by the power of … ) and shoots a bolt from Shahenshah’s gift sword and propels Hades like a kala jamun into the underworld … thus saving the city, the princess and believe it or faint, Bhagwan himself.
Before credits role we are treated to a final darshan of Zeus offering immortality to our hero, who refuses and prefers to stay human (true insaaniyat this!!!) Pleased dad brings fairy-eyed chick to life and resumes office in Heaven, while hero and fairy fly off for honeymoon on their udta ghoda.
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